Sunday, July 26, 2009

Oh, the reasons why we live in Colorado/ the Rockies...

I have just returned from the Southern East Coast - specifically Myrtle Beach, SC which I had never been to. I have been to the beaches of NC and FL and every state north of DC. I will say that it just reinforces why I live in such a beautiful place and not in some other places. I like Myrtle Beach, it was nice to be near the ocean and the seafood was great, but...

Let's just remind ourselves why we (I say "we" because most of my 3 readers live in/along the Rockies as I do) do live here. Let's please be reminded that I am not trying to insult you in any way, I am merely just pointing out some differences between us and the Southern East Coasters. So, for all you Southern East Coasters shaking your heads sideways, there is 20 rocky mountainers shaking their heads up and down.

Also, I have to add this legal jargon to make the wife happy. The opinions and views expressed on this blog are in no way those of my wife, Jennifer.

10. Rental cars suck, especially when you drive an SUV at home. Oh, and Colorado is the king of SUVs, more SUVs per capita than big hair in NJ. I asked for an SUV at the rental car place and they wanted to charge me $25 more a day for a Murano - dude that ain't an SUV! Almost everyone in beach towns drive cars (unless pulling a 5th wheel or camper - although I saw Hyundai SUVs pulling huge pop-up trailers, which I thought was frickin' insane, then remembered - no mountains and passes in SC!!) - and they all don't know how to drive them. I love the feeling of being up high and seeing everything...which leads us to..

9. Trees are nice, wow, they are so green and beautiful. So lush, so...right next to the road, so clumped in huge sections of overgrowness. Oh yeah, people come to Colorado and go through tree-withdrawal. Yes, that is funny. But when us Coloradans go back to the East Coast we can't see shit! Who needs GPS in Colorado? No damn trees to block the view - just the way we like it. Feel free to keep your tree hugging highways to yourself. After a while it got old seeing nothing but trees - I want to see what was behind those trees. Also, if you want a fence, just build a mound of dirty and plant trees on top - in 5 years it will be impenetrable. Whalla! DIY fence!

8. Beer has absolutely no effect on me at sea level - I drank 6 beers during the 6pm to 10pm hours and didn't have a hang over in the morning. Yes, this sounds normal for most heavy drinkers - but not me! I'm a light weight. I don't see the cost effectiveness of having to drink 6-12 beers to get drunk when I can do the same thing with 3 beers at a mile high! (everything boils down to money, sex and sports with men - that is a true story). Which, by the way means that I couldn't get enough alcohol in my wife (without taking out a second mortgage) to get her drunk and take....ok, onto #7.

7. Salt water is gross. Yes, it makes cuts/scars heal in 3X less time, but....I don't want it in my mouth, eyes, nose...anywhere. We don't have any salt water in the rockies. Oh, and water isn't meant to be 75 degrees - it's meant to be ice cold and put into beer. Yeah, that is the kind of water we have in Colorado. Big deal, the east coast has the ocean, but we have high mtn lakes and beer water! My kid wouldn't go into the water because she didn't want salt water in her mouth or eyes. Yes, this means that my kid is a little bit of a priss - but I'm ok with that. She had no problem swimming in the cloudy watered, heavily chlorinate, suntan lotion clouded pool! Can't be TOO much of a priss then!

6. I just want all southerners to know that the Confederates lost the war, and no, there aren't any re-dos. So take your stupid flags off your trucks, and your trailers and your mobile homes with no wheels. You lost. And you look like jack asses flying your flags. Technically I'm not even sure if Colorado is north or south of the Mason-Dixon line...but whatever.

5. What is the deal with no recycling in the South? I guess I have no idea if it is a southern problem or a SC problem or a campground problem - but a campground is the #1 place that they should be pushing recycling. I mean, everything at a campground is portable - beer, soda, water, bags, boxes, paper - everything, so they all come in containers that are usually recyclable! I did not see a single recycling bin, not anyone recycling (for their benefit they had no where to put recyclables) and no emphasis on it. I think in a resort town everyone thinks they can just abuse the environment (because they are either leaving - and going home) or they are capitalizing off it (the locals). Sad. Very sad. We don't have as bad of an outlook here in Colorado/RM - although I sure wish Highlands Ranch would pay for my damn recycling!

4. Why the hell were there so many SC and NC license places at the campground? Can't you people drive a little further to something less hot/fat/salt watered/treed? I mean the frickin' Canadians (lots of Ontario's there) can support your local economy on their own (God Bless Canadians! I mean this - since I am 2 generations away from Canada - not to mention the Rockies roll through Canada!!). And SC and NC aren't that big - so why pack up your 5th wheel and drive to the beach that is what 2 or 3 hours away? When we drive 3 hours out here we are only in the the next cowtown over! Yellowstone is 11 hours, Ft Smith MT is 7 hours, Durango is 6, Moab is 4. Get up off your lazy asses and drive somewhere! And what the hell is up with the accent's down there? By the end of the week I sounded like I was born and bred in the south. You couldn't tell the difference between me and a pure bred. It's like a virus or something. And I just can't use the word "y'all" out here without someone laughing at me.

3. Where did all these "big" people come from? Now, I know I have to be politically correct (whatever!) but there is just heavier people on the east coast - well, at least heavier than in Colorado/RM. But, when I think about it, everything on the east coast is geared to eating - buffets, GREAT food, fatty foods, etc - or not working out - mosquitoes, beaches, buffets, etc. People in Colorado/RM are just much healthier - maybe because we have such amazing scenery that goes vertical (the mtns). There seems to be a slacking attitude in the east, my wife and I noticed that because we weren't pressured at all to work out while we were on vacation - like we are every day we are home.

2. My poor daughter has welts all over her body, and although she is in her terrible 3's, none of these welts were inflicted by me (although trust me, she is a handful). They are of course bug bites, mosquitoes, flies, whatever. The poor kid literally has over 20 bites. She has bites on top of bites - one on each ankle, wrist, elbow, knee....everywhere. Guess what, NO FRICKIN BUGS IN COLORADO! Yes, we have some this year because of all the rain, but none in the mtns, none in your backyard most of the time.

1. I basically sweat non-stop for a week. What the hell is up with the humidity? It constantly feels like I was going through alcohol withdrawals and the sweat was pouring out of my body. It is disgusting. Then you need to go into an air conditioned building where it is 20 degrees cooler - except you freeze to death! Only to go back outside and have a huge weight put back on your chest. It is draining. No wonder everyone in the East is fat - how the hell do you get the energy to exercise in that humidity. Colorado has very low to no humidity. Oh, and when I woke up this morning it was 57 degrees! It did not get below 76 degrees the entire time I was in SC - not even at night or during rain storms! The AC never shut off.

Yeah, this sounds like I'm bitching, but I'm really not. If you want to know why I live out here, I think you need to ask yourself why you would tolerate where you live. Then realize I live in paradise.

Just kidding - Colorado is horrible, way too much snow, cold winters, no oxygen to breath, sunburns, too many cows, neighborhoods with every house looking the same, and the schools just aren't safe. Come at your own risk.


Anonymous said...

#9 - Trees are nice. But, as you point out, when that's *all* you see, that's too much!
#7 - Having lived around salt water as a kid, you get used to it.
#6 - Amen! Colorado is north of the Mason-Dixon line (39 deg North). They mostly fought for the north. Almost simultaneously with the beginning of the CW, Colorado became a territory (most of it was made out of the existing Utah & Kansas territories).
#2 - We have some amazing pictures from a trip back east when my daughter was one. People thought she had chicken pox - nope, bug bites.
#1 - Double amen! The absolute #1 reason I would never move east of Colorado. Oh how I hate the humidity!

Not only is Colorado horrible, the entire Rocky Mountain area is horrible. Heck, those of you east of The Missouri River, stay east of the Missouri River--everything west of there is absolutely worthless.

Brandon said...

Amen brotha! And you live in Utah! My next blog post is why we don't live in Utah.....well, not really.

Man, I am not looking forward to the hate mail....

For the record, my wife just shook her head after reading that post (side to side). I think that means she liked it, at least I'm taking it that way.

Troutdawg said...

I definitely am with you on that one! Having grown up down that way, the beaches can be nice at times but something about that Humidity that keeps me running. Good fishing as well, great college football but it just aint the same. Welcome back~

Anonymous said...

Go ahead, make the next one on Utah, I'll add all the evens if you do all the odds ;-)

Your wife *reads* your posts? Wow, that's brave of you.

Hate mail? Naw, if they can't take a little funnin (isn't that how it's said down there?), to heck with them.

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