Some people say I should do stand-up comedy because of some of the stuff I can just spout off at any moment - I guess some think it's pretty funny, when in actuality most of it is true (with a little improv thrown in).
For instance, my wife seems to have suddenly become a source of incredible comedic material. Now my wife isn't what you call overly funny or loud or clutsy or any of those things but, she is....pregnant. This seems to bring out funny stories in all of us.
Well, this happened about a week ago, it was a weekday and I'll try and jog my memory aout the specifics, but bear with me. I remember coming home and asking Jen what was for dinner, she was obviously in no mood to cook so I decided to take it upon myself to start dinner. Even though she had been home for over an hour already and I juts got home - I decided I'd do it. Nothing of course had been taken out of the freezer to defrost, so I had very limited choices. This is not a problem for Jennifer as she is happy to fill up on peanut butter and jelly or raman noodles. Of course I wanted something a little more adult-ish. Picking through the freezer it came down to meatball subs (on bread not rolls - that's out), cheeseburgers (which Jen never likes), sausages (which I was informed would make Jen puke at the sight of) or ravioli's (no negative comments, no rolled eyes, no puking motions - ok ravioli's it is).
I throw the pot on the stove, throw the water and raviolis in the water and start heating the water - suddenly I get a dirty look.
"Why are they in the wtaer already? Shouldn't you boil the water first?"
"I'm doing the cooking here - this is the way I do it."
She sits herself in the recliner all grumpy, "That's not the way I do it."
"Jennifer, what happens if you put ravioli's into boiling water?"
She's starting to sniffle now and she's welling up.
"The ravioli's will burst open! I'm cooking - don't worry about it."
Now I feel guilty and go over to her. "What's wrong hun - you don't usually cry over ravioli's. You don't really want ravioli's do you?"
"Well then, what do you want for dinner?" Long pause...."Well?"
"No, no ice cream - no more damn ice cream."
Ravioli's are done and we sit at the livingroom table in front of the TV to watch. I'm stupid because I cook just enough for 2.5 people. I say stupid because no way Jen eats a serving and I have to eat hers plus the left over other half - and I wonder why I'm fat. Maybe I'm wrong here though - maybe she'll eat the whole thing. I wolf mine down and she stops - half a plate eaten.
"Come on eat those."
"I'm not hungry anymore."
"Your eating for 2 and you eat less than before, makes no sense. Give me those." And I eat those too. Then I clean up the dishes and eat the other 6 in the strainer. I'm a pig - but that's for another blog.
It's 8:15 now and I'm not sure if "ice cream" was a joke or a truth, so I watch CSI and Survivor - although it is virtually impossible to watch either since my wife can't stop flipping the damn channels! This usually results in me heading up to play computer games or tying flies or working on the basement. But, I got home late, I'll sit with my beautiful, lovely, bulging, neurotic, crazy woman wife. After 245 flips of channels and even my ADD can't keep up at around 8:45 I ask her if she wants me to go to King Soopers for ice cream. She says no, so I sit there for another 5 minutes contemplating my next question.
"Where do you want to go for ice cream?"
"Where - on Wadsworth?"
"Or Dairy Queen."
Now you need to understand - I can live right next to a Dairy Queen, or a hair salon or a frickin' indian food place and I will see it, but it doesn't register - no matter how many times I drive by it. So basically - unless I frequent the place I won't remember that it exists.
"Where the hell is the Dairy Queen?"
"Down by the Einstein's."
"Yes - you were right there on Sunday - you know by the library?"
"Oh yeah. Ok."
We sit for another 5 minutes. "Dude, are we going yet?" "Not yet."
"Are you kidding me, you won't leave because Survivor and CSI are on?"
"Dude, you need help."
The show gets over and I'm just about comfortable and she turns to me and asks - "are you ready?" WTF!!!! So we grab the dog, and jump in the truck and head to DQ. It's 9:03 mind you.
We pull into the parking lot, jump out and start walking towards the DQ - which is dark. No way this place is closed - it's a Thursday night and my wife is pregnant! We walk up - CLOSED. "What do you want to do now?" "I'll settle for a McDonald's McFlurry."
Sweet - McDonald's is in the same parking lot. So we roll into the drive through. They guy in front of us has a 2004 Lexus - rolls down his window and a squeeky 16 year old pubescent voice asks for 4 items from the 99 cent menu. Dude, you are driving a frickin' Lexus, and how old are you anyways. Wish I was a cop, I'd run the plates. We order the McFlurry and roll to the pay window. My poor dog is hanging out the back window because we've been to these kind of places before and she always gets a bone. I mean hell, she's adorable and if I worked there and didn't even have a bone I'd pet her at least. The guy takes my $2 and doesn't even ackowledge her. Poor dog. We roll to the pick-up window and she sticks her head way out this time. Of course I'm thinking the woman will ask "Can I give your dog a bone?" so I pull almost past the window so Cabo's head is closer to the window. The woman hands out the McFlurry and then slams the window shut. Poor dog is thinking she just got screwed!!! But wait....there's white milky smelling stuff in the front seat now, so I'm going to lay down like a good girl, because good girls get food. She sits there for about 20 seconds without getting noticed and then decides to play the pretty girl with the sad eyes and puts her head on Jen's shoulder in the passenger's seat. Jen ignores her and eats the McFlurry right in front of her.
Now I'm mad - the damn dog loves ice cream and one bite away from my pregnanat wife ain't gonna kill her.
"No way, I'm not letting her lick it off the spoon."
"Why not? I do it all the time."
"You are sick, she can wait until we get home."
So the poor dog waits. We get home, she jumps out and goes straight to her bed (good girls get what they want remember?), Jen goes over to her bowl and calls Cabo over. She takes a spoonful of frozen goop and tries flipping it into her bowl. No go - if hangs on the first time and when Jen tries a harder flip this time if lands directly on the floor in front of the bowl. Cabo moves in for the kill and the ice cream is gone in seconds. Do dogs get brain freeze?
My wife is happy, my dog is happy, I'm going up to bed.